you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she peed on how many people?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
