We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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