I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize