she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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