Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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