Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
