Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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