I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
