Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
