We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
