What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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