Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Randomize
