dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
