feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
