Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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