I am midnight drunk by noon
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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