in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
