I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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