smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish you could order shots online.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
