It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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