I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
