Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
