i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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