You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
