I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
