I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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