I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
