oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
