Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
