If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
