i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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