i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
