the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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