I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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