Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize