how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
