I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
