I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
