I feel great
I just peed on a car
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
