i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
