there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
