i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Found the puke drawer
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
