i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
