Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
