I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
