Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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