She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
