I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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