First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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