She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
