Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize