How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
