That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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