I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Randomize