just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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