wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
