so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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